9 things we learned
about turning 30

2. You develop a deeper appreciation for the generations that came before you

Josina: Possibly one of the most important things that you think about when you hit your 30s. It happens as you hit certain ages that they did. This is probably a universal experience; you begin thinking about what it was like for your parents. What was similar for them? What are the differences?

You think about what it must have been like for queer people to cope 20-30 years ago when they were in their 30. We lost a whole generation of people due to the HIV crisis; people also often didn’t feel safe enough to be authentically themselves or to be out or to be part of the queer community.

Being queer and getting older compels you to think about your queer elders - the ones we have now and the ones we lost, wondering what could have happened long before you were born.

3. It's never too late to come out

Jackson: I came out as bisexual and as trans in my mid to late 20s. Now I'm 31, I'm finally at a place in transition and in life where I actually feel like myself for the first time. Although, I do feel some sadness about experiences I feel I missed out on as a repressed young person, I also know that I can fully embrace the time I have now to live my queerest, sluttiest and truest life.

The same would be true if I'd only just come out at 40, or 50 and so on. Life is there to be lived, at whatever age.

4. You think 10 years backwards and 10 years forwards

Phil: This is different from your aspirations. I think that as a queer person, you can’t help but think back to where you were at 20, where you are now at 30 and where you would like to be at 40.

Ten years is a long time and of course everyone is going to change over that long period of time. However, for many queer people the person we were at 20 may not have been completely comfortable with their sexuality, they may have very rigid views on what their life should be, they may not love themselves enough and they may not see a positive future for themselves.

By 30, all of these things could have changed for the better.

5. Your body isn’t what it used to be

Josina: No one tells you about this one! I have a theory that in your late 20s your body very, very, VERY slowly deteriorates. I feel like by 30 you fully understand that your body isn’t what it used to be – you can’t stay up late like you used to, your bladder decides to wake you up between 5am and 6am to pee, and don’t get me started on my lower back!

If I get down, can I get back up again? Will my knees support me? Why does my lower back hurt? You find yourself asking these questions that you never considered in your mid-20s. My self-care has never been good however but my need for self-care has never been so profound.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Your brain starts working in a different way - as you get older you get more patient, and you get better at planning ahead. You let things take time to settle or play out when there's confusion, a quandary or angst. It's a deeper sense of long-term thinking, combined with the lack of urgency. This might be something that you may not consider as a young queer person.

6. You never stop learning

Jackson: As long as you're alive, you're going to be learning. There are always going to be new things that surprise and delight you. Whether it's a new hobby or a fresh insight about yourself and your own patterns of behaviour.

Having a lifestyle that embraces curiosity and the desire to understand yourself and the world around you is healthy. Resist the idea that once you reach a certain age, there’s nothing else you can possibly learn. There isn't a point at which you're "complete". 

Lifelong learning can be making the decision to change paths and retrain in a new skill at a later stage of life. It can be deciding to get therapy (if accessible to you) so that you can work on yourself and move through the world in healthier, better ways. It can be remaining open to new ideas and ways of doing things or commitment to a social justice informed reading list so that you can help reshape the world for good.

One of the greatest pleasures of life is to constantly keep growing, healing, challenging yourself and discovering new things about yourself, others and the world.

7. You learn to choose quality over quantity

Phil: When you start focusing on quality over quantity, you become much happier and more established because you begin focusing on depth and substance rather than numerical value.

Being queer can sometimes mean that we go through a sort of second adolescence from around our mid 20s through our 30s as most of us suppressed parts of who we were when we were in school to avoid being bullied for being different. As adults this can sometimes be associated with being excessive as a way to make up for things you may feel you missed out on when you were younger.

Something that I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that having experiences of quality can be learned by giving your full attention to the experience you are currently having. Anticipating future experiences can result in missing present ones and undermining the possibility of ever truly being satisfied.

8. The dilemma of having children of your own

Josina: For cis queer woman your 30s is the time where it feels like its make or break for having children and all of the different challenges that come with that. If you’re in a relationship where the two of you can’t procreate by yourselves without assisted technologies or some spunk in a can, you have to think about what you want to do. 

You begin to worry about possibly missing your opportunity. This pressure is a lot less for people with penises, regardless of whether they want to have kids or not as there’s just a lot more time to do it. We face the health of our bodies, the ability to carry a child to term, ensuring we have enough money to raise a family, finding the right partner and set up for that to happen and that can all feel a lot more present as you hit 30.

This is a very unique experience that cis queer women face and that cis queer men may not even comprehend.

9. Life is for living

Jackson: Your life is far too short to live it for the sake of others or to be doing something you don't care about or truly want to do. Seize the moment and make your time count (work/money/bills/situation permitting of course.)

I spend a lot of time thinking about my legacy - what will remain of me once I'm gone? The memories, the feelings I'll leave behind with people; the practical (and hopefully positive) changes I may have made in the world and to people's lives. It may sound a little morbid but actually it helps you really embrace the present, pursue the things you care about and that matter to you, and shake off the expectations other people may have on your life.

Life is short! Live it and live it now.