QH LISTS

10 things I learned coming out as a Gay Pakistani man

My faith is between me and God!
What did Asad learn when he came out as a young Muslim queer man?
Asad gives us the 10 things he learned.

1. Coming out never stops - You learn more about yourself over time

 

Part of that is learning how to express yourself in ways you couldn’t have imagined before. In my experience I’m still coming out of the heteronormative box I was crammed into by society and the environment around me. I’m realising a lot - for example, that clothing has no gender. My sexuality doesn’t define how I manifest myself and dressing a certain way doesn’t make me gay – loving men and dick makes me gay, dressing how I want makes me brave.

2. Don’t apologise for being yourself – Stop saying sorry for being you

 

This sounds so cliché and vague but stop apologising for being you. Whether you’re loud or quiet, opinionated or sitting on the fence, whether you’re the outgoing outrageous friend or the one who gets embarrassed easily - don’t apologise for it. This also relates to not dimming your own light in case you feel you’re casting others into the shadows: that’s their issue. Do what you want to do and be who you are while being mindful of those around you.

3. Romanticise your life and do things that bring you joy – NO MATTER HOW LITTLE OR LARGE!

 

I have my best friend to thank for this one because she taught me to do whatever the fuck brings you joy. Whether it’s shopping with your friends, having your main character moment to your favourite song, or jumping up and down crushing crunchy autumn leaves under your feet because you enjoy the sound. Dance like there’s no one watching! You are the main character and this is your life: don’t let life pass you by. It’s important to romanticise your life wherever you can because that allows space for you to learn, grow and really live in the moment.

4. Don’t give a fuck – be unapologetically you

 

If you basking in your own glory and thriving makes other people uncomfortable, that’s a them problem. It’s taken a lot for me to get to this stage of my life where I genuinely give zero fucks and my quality of life has improved beyond belief. Once you no longer care how people perceive you or what you do (unless you’re unnecessarily being a dick, not cool) that’s when you no longer have an anchor weighing you down. To be clear, this doesn’t mean fuck the opinions and advice from people who love and care about you. It means stop giving a shit about what haters who spew hate to distract themselves from their own self-loathing and insecurities, or people who ask you to change for their own selfish reasons.

5. Don’t be scared to have those uncomfortable conversations

 

It’s easier said than done and having tough chats can be very awkward and very anxiety ridden. But since coming out I’ve realised I’d rather get those tough conversations out of the way rather than thinking ‘what if I had mentioned/said that’. Give people the opportunity to understand what you’re going through and if they don’t at least you’ve tried. You’ll feel better after getting things off your chest and over time it can get easier: it did for me.

6. Don’t burn yourself out or put too much pressure on yourself

 

Navigating queer spaces and the LGBTQ+ scene can be invigorating but tough. As a queer person of colour I was exposed to a community I was isolated from and didn’t know existed. It can be really overwhelming and sometimes suffocating in a new space so it’s important to take it easy and find a balance. Once you find that balance and immerse yourself in queer life it’s an amazing experience. You’re going to make some amazing connections and meet some inspiring like-minded people on the same wavelength as you. This will open you up to a whole new world of possibilities and experiences!

7. Be open to the unknown - Don’t be afraid to try new things!

 

Not to sound like Bear Grylls - but feel the fear and do it anyway! Working past self-doubt and overcoming it will lead you to a road of endless possibilities. These barriers are all in our head, creating mental blocks stopping us from living life to its maximum potential. Once you break down that fear it allows you to move forward. If there’s things you’ve always thought ‘I’d be good at that ’or ‘I’ve always wanted to do that’ – take the plunge and go for it. Whether it’s a solo holiday, backpacking around western Europe or learning a new language, be open to the unknown possibilities: you never know where they’ll take you and that’s okay.

8. Learning and Unlearning never stops

 

I’d say this has been one of the most important lessons I’ve learnt since coming out as a gay Muslim man. Coming out was a journey for me: breaking down that internalised homophobia and ignorance embedded within me, learning that I’m not weird and it’s OK to be gay. Unlearning those harmful ideologies which I was led to believe growing up that ‘being gay is not okay’. My faith is between me and God, and my sexuality doesn’t erase the fact that I am a Muslim man. It took a very long time for me to understand this and it’s a journey I’d say I’m still on.

9. Not every loss is a loss

 

My biggest fear when coming out was that people would see me a very different way and that I’d lose friends, family and those closest to me. I WON’T lie: it wasn’t all magic, unicorns and rainbows. I lost most of my male friends and a lot of my immediate family - but in the process I gained myself. I’ve found a lot of self-worth while coming out and with that realising not every loss is a loss. If people don’t want me in their life or don’t want to associate or be seen with me then they never deserved the privilege of my presence in the first place. Decisions may seem drastic to others but they’re your decisions and it’s your life! It takes a lot for you to start thinking that way through a new filter of self-love and self-worth but once you do it becomes much easier to put yourself first and chose you, realising every ‘loss’ isn’t an actual loss.

10. You coming out will inspire others

 

You don’t need a YouTube channel a blog or a platform with thousands of followers. You being you and proudly queer will make such a difference. I never ever thought I would have a small impact within my own community. I’ve been approached by closeted gay Muslim south Asian men in public and online from around the world. It’s bitter-sweet seeing and meeting so many people living a hidden life because it’s unsafe for them to live as their authentic selves. But it feels amazing to know my visibility and me living my everyday gay south Asian life makes others feel valid, accepted and seen. I’ve become the person I needed to see as a child. A role model, a figure I could witness who was like myself so I’d know I wasn’t ‘weird’. Be you for you and no one else but trust me, being yourself will inspire at least one person to do the same.